What Do You Do When You Are So Depressed You Want to Die?

Celebration

The year ended with a delightful trip to Trafalgar Square with  friends to celebrate New Years. In order to catch the last train home, we left the busy thoroughfare where hundreds of people still celebrated and took a shortcut down a deserted street. 

Rounding a corner, we left the light to enter a world I was unaware of. As we walked quickly under a bridge, the cold wind caught our breath. Death seem to lurk in the darkness. Homeless people, many inebriated, huddled on bits of cardboard, were wrapped in ragged clothing trying to stay warm. It was a depressing end to our evening celebrating in the light.

Foreshadowing

That experience was a foreshadowing of the following months as I struggled through the ever darkening and lonely maze of depression.

Within a couple days, I had a raging fever. The doctor gave me an antibiotic but I grew worse. 

The second week, a second doctor gave a different antibiotic, but I continued to grow worse. 

The third week, coughing violently, a third doctor visited and prescribed a third antibiotic. Nothing helped. The coughing increased and I was in excruciating pain. 

Complications

In February x-rays were taken. I had pneumonia and both lungs were full of fluid. The doctor happily informed me I had 3 fractured ribs from coughing. 

He said, “There’s nothing I can do for you. But don’t worry, nature will have its own way; in 6 weeks the ribs will have healed themselves.” 

After giving that cheerful bit of news, he added, 

“In the meantime, you might want to use your hands to splint your side whenever you cough.” 

Then he was gone. No medication to deal with the fluid in my lungs, to quiet the cough, or to ease the pain. All he gave was empty words.

Nature took its course without any assistance from the medical profession. Dark days. Painful days. Days I was so weak I could barely get out of bed to go to the restroom. Though my body eventually healed, the depression remained.

Depression is real. Often it follows on the heels of illness, trauma, or a difficult life event.

The enemy secretly creeps in taking you unawares, numbing you to life. It spreads a smothering blanket that overshadows everything, making your world a dull gray. As it alters your perceptions and steals your breath, it brings a heaviness that consumes your energy. Unable to think with clarity, you long to escape its clutches – even if that means dying. 

If you’ve ever been depressed, you’ve heard empty words spoken by well-meaning individuals; empty words that offered no hope and did nothing to alleviate your suffering.

You will also know depression isn’t something you can simply snap out of, pull on your heavy faith boots and jump out of, or psych yourself up with beautiful Bible verses until suddenly you see everything through rose colored glasses.

I am sure you will agree, moving out of depression is hard work. Those who succeed have made a will choice not to be dominated by their feelings.

It’s true. Feelings have power to dominate your mind and lock you into depression. Especially if you listen to the negative thoughts churning in your mind and believe your feelings are telling you the truth.

There is power in the name of Jesus. Call on His name!

My captivity to depression began to break as a dear friend prayed in Jesus name for the powers of darkness to be bound and for me to be set free from oppression.

I meditated on Psalms 139 to fill my mind with objective truth. As I claimed God’s personal message that He planned my birth, another key turned in the lock to set me free.

As I made the will choice to give thanks even though I didn’t feel thankful, suicidal ideation began to lose its ugly grip on me.

As I chose Jesus to be my reality, then spoke the truth that not only did Christ live in me but I was hidden in Him, another of depression’s shackles fell off me.

An important secret I learned was to claim my true identity. I would declare,”I am seated in heavenly places with Christ Jesus.” As I repeatedly did this, the false identity lost its power to confuse and shame me. 

By faith, I learned to reject and renounce works of darkness, refusing to allow feelings to predicate my reality. I began to rest – and abide in Christ – who conquered all depression at Calvary.

Dear Heart

The good news is you don’t need to struggle with suicidal thoughts or ideations on your own. Please reach out for help. I am available – feel free to email me or leave a comment below.

Jesus will set you free if you choose to allow Him to be the One to frame your reality.

In conclusion, my dear friend, do not simply walk away and do nothing. You are precious to the Lord but He won’t rescue you against your will.

Rather than be dominated by your feelings, choose to take a specific action. And do it… TODAY.

Choose Life and live! Walk away from whatever diminishes you and locks you into fear, doubt, unbelief, depression, or anxiety disorders.

Let Jesus be LORD of you – moment by moment.